I've long held the perspective that shared values is an insufficient basis for determining if two parties are compatible. In fact, it can be downright misleading.
Our beliefs are a better test, but often more difficult to identify.
Family FirstBefore they were married, Tom and Janet had several late night discussions about what their future would look like. They agreed they wanted children and above all else, family had to come first. "Family First" became a mantra in the early years of their marriage. They both worked hard and rather than taking vacations, they saved and invested, waiting for the day they had their first child.
With the arrival of Jacob, their first baby, they talked and agreed that Tom would quit work to take care of the household while Janet continued to work. Janet had a more significant income and a better benefits program. This was a simple decision for the two of them. "Family First".
But shortly after the baby arrived and Janet returned to work, things started to take a turn. Tom found himself and the baby eating dinner without mom as she worked extra hours. Janet often brought work home and while she spent some time with the little one, much of her time at home was dedicated to work.
The strain took its toll and Janet and Tom found themselves arguing over petty things. The months passed and the resentment built.
One evening, after a particularly trying day, Tom sat down to relax for a moment with Janet before bed. She had her laptop open and was instant messaging with someone from work.
"You know", Tom blurted, "you say 'family first', but you're never here. Even when you are here, you're not here."
"How dare, you?", Janet responded, "I work for the family. I make money for the family. Everything I do is for the family! How can you possibly say I don't put family first after all the sacrifices I've made?"
"Sacrifices? Sacrifices? You're never here. You don't clean up the mess. You don't do the laundry! You don't do anything for the family, except help put Jacob to bed and put a check in the bank. I have to do it all."
"Of course I put a check in the bank! You don't work at all. You haven't even picked up a part-time job. You won't even consider putting Jacob into day care a couple days per week to help with all of this pressure. I have to do it all."
Shared ValuesTom and Janet agree on the value of "Family First". Neither of them is lying about that. Both of them are living those values. So how is it that it has come to this even before Jacob's second birthday?
Differing BeliefsTom believes that "Family First" means you spend time with the family. Play time, limited work hours, keeping the home, educating your children, and just being a supportive family to your children. Tom has made great sacrifices to live true to his values and he wants Janet to do the same.
Janet believes that "Family First" means supporting the family. Doing what it takes to provide them with the best schools, making sure they are provided healthy foods, providing a safe house, offering them a promising future, and being a support system for your children. Janet has made great sacrifices to live true to her values and she wants Tom to do the same.
Beliefs are held to be trueThe boiling point of water is 100 °C (212 °F) at standard pressure. This is a fact. It is true.
Good parents spend ample quality time with their children. This is a belief. It is often held to be true, but that does not make it a fact.
We evaluate the behaviors of others by contrasting them with our values and beliefs. When someone says they share our values, we expect they will behave in a congruent manner. But that manner is shaped by our beliefs. Beliefs which they unlikely hold in the same degree and manner.
Consider your own beliefsDo they serve you well? Are they moving you toward or away from the things you hope to achieve? Why do you hold these beliefs? Could you change them?
Consider the beliefs of othersDo you know what they are? Can you accept them as valid from that individual's perspective? Does understanding a person at this level help you to better communicate with them? Better understand them? Better love them for who they are and not for who you want them to be?
I think so.